Last week I laid in bed next to my husband. We just turned our lamps off and I rolled onto his shoulder and said, “I am so happy. We are so blessed. How did we get so lucky?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “Life is so good. Good night baby.” He kissed my head and we drifted to sleep. Except my sleep stopped a few hours later.
I awoke with tears streaming down my face and thoughts racing out of control.
‘Oh, God,’ I thought, ‘something is about to happen. We have finally returned to a new normal. Something bad is about to happen. What was that new rare disease I saw on Facebook today? What if Manning gets that? Which hospital should we go to? I wonder if we will have to transfer to a specialty hospital. Marjorie has a scan next month. What if the cancer is back? What if there is a new cancer?’
Brene Brown calls it ‘Dress Rehearsing Tragedy’ and I not only own the shirt, but am the president of the Dress Rehearsing Club. I am so damn happy and thankful that I am scared shitless. This isn’t the first time I have written about my foreshadowing tragedy night sessions, but lately they have come back with vengeance.
I know I have ZERO control about current events in my life or the world around me. And many of you would say I have every right to be fearful or even angry or to be the mom who keeps her children in a bubble. But that would not serve me (or my family) well. We have to keep living.
And that is just what I intend to do. Or at least try to do. Until the next bump…or shall we say hurricane.
We just pulled out of my driveway. Mom is driving. If you know Annie, then you know she never lets anyone else drive. And that’s fine by me. My head isn’t on right this morning.
I keep reminding myself that everything I need in life is in this car and the second car that Jordan will drive later…my family. Our house may be just fine. Our island might squeak out another hurricane.
Or maybe not.
The fear of the unknown and what ifs is terrifying…especially when you’ve had two years of unexcpected life curveballs that shattered your world. But we have persevered with faith and family and rebuilt our new normal.
Marjorie’s birthday brings up memories of being frightened and feeling out of control. This hurricane is compounding those old feelings. And I am very well aware everything might (and probably will) turn out just fine.
In these moments of unknown, I fall back on my faith. God doesn’t ‘make’ bad things happen, but He gives us people and hope to overcome and move on.
Marjorie’s birthday, October 8, is a day of joy and a sorrow. Her birthday marks the beginning of the most trying year of our lives. We rested our tired heads on faith, family and knowledge that miracles happen every day. Because every day is a miracle in of itself.
So today, as we watch our island home disappear in the rear view mirror, I acknowledge the fear and look to faith. We will make the best of these next few days and unplanned beach trip. I can’t think of a better place to celebrate Marjorie’s second birthday than on the beautiful sands of the Florida panhandle. Massive thank you to our beloved Grand D and JJ for loaning us a condo for shelter and safety.
Since we can’t control life’s hurricanes, we may as well enjoy the Love and people around us. Let the birthday celebrations and hurricane party begin. Praying for everyone’s safety. Bring it Matthew. We’re ready for ya.