Yesterday marked six weeks since my best friend passed. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime all rolled together. She is on my mind and heart nonstop. Some days are easier than others, but the wound still runs deep.
I am discovering that grief is like a silent ninja that attacks out of nowhere. Just last week, I found myself having a great day, until I strolled past a display of hydrangeas, Gaga’s favorite flower. I stopped in my tracks and stood before the flowers for what felt like an hour. I did not touch them or bend over. I just stared and wiped the tears rolling down my face. Oh how she loved her hydrangeas.
Not a day goes by that I don’t watch a video of her. On Christmas day this year, Gaga and I spent two hours alone outside. We talked all about her time as a welder and I recorded it all on my phone. It is my most prized possession and yet another reason for me to guard my phone like the Holy Grail.
I try my best to work or distract, but my brain hardly retains much lately. I feel like I’m dropping the ball in all aspects of all – family, home, work – even the dogs. I am pretty good at faking my way through the day or getting dressed and enjoying time with friends. But when the make up comes off, all I want to do is curl up in bed.
I want time to stop so I can lay down and let my broken heart heal. But grief doesn’t work like that because while your world stops, the rest of the world moves on. My kids need me, my husband, my work and my dogs. So I limp on.
Today has been a decent day. I am actually in my office working – actually able to type a complete sentence and thought. Well, I was working until my heart took a turn for the worse. Now I am here typing instead of being productive in my inbox. But this is productive. This is me, healing.
To be honest, I’m not sure how one ever moves on. Is there always a hole? Will my brain ever function again? I guess it will with time. That is, if it ever really functioned to begin with.
This type of grief is so new to me and I am just taking it as it comes…and it keeps coming. I am afraid for it to stop because I know it will ease. I’m waiting (and dreading) the moment when a minute passes and I forget to think about her or when Marjorie’s memories of GaGa fade. But I won’t let them. I talk about GaGa with the kids nearly every day. The kids all know what toys Gaga gave them and neither can live without their GaGa blankets.
Whenever I kiss Manning and Marjorie goodnight, I always rub my nose with theirs and say, “Who loves you mostest?” It is something I always do, not just at bedtime, but throughout the day. The kids always giggle and answer ‘Momma’.
On this particular day, my heart was really hurting. Marjorie was being her usual sassy self and I stopped to kiss her and asked, “Who loves you mostest?”
She giggled and said, “GaGa”.
That’s right baby girl. She does. Always has and always will.