On Being Still
Weekends in treatment were slow…and I mean sloooooow. It was so frustrating to have so much downtime in our schedule. We should be ‘working’ and ‘doing’, marking things off our imaginary Recovery To Do list. Having an empty day meant I was being unproductive and lazy. As it turns out, down time at the Carolina House was […]
Cuddling With Fear & Daring to FAIL
Sunday afternoon I found myself in my office catching up on emails. My professional procrastination got the best of me as I began searching the world wide web (read: Facebook). The TedxJacksonville page popped up with its annual call for speakers. I thought back to last year when this popped on my feed, the difference being it […]
Carolina: Forever & Always In My Mind
December 2010 “McCall, breathe with me. Breathe in 2…3…4…out…2…3…4” I could hear the words being spoken to me, but couldn’t catch my breath. I sobbed and shook uncontrollably, my body curled tightly in a ball on the stiff therapy couch. I was in treatment and having my first panic/anxiety/emotional tidal wave attack. Without my eating disorder […]
Detoxing from a Weekend Binge
Here is what my former eating disordered life looked like: Monday-Thursday: restrict, calorie rules, weighing in 20-40 times per day, diet pills, low fat, no fat, sugar free, fat free Friday-Saturday: Dinner and going out with friends, events, Mardi Gras balls, football games, excessive drinking and eating Sunday: Close the blinds, self-loath, binge, purge, more self-hate […]
The Anatomy of Recovery: From Purging to Professional Visits
February 9, 2011 Up and down. Up and down. One step at a time, then two. I raced up and down the stairs unpacking my bags into my new hotel home. It was my first night on partial. My first night away from the Carolina House. I felt so free. After two months in a […]
Cancer Prayers & Mental Illness Murmurs
No matter how many activities I packed into today, time seemed to stand still. My heart raced and my mind was dizzy. I have been to yoga, taken kids to a bouncy house park and lunch and the quiet still creeps up on me. It is always there in the back of my head. The […]
Heading Back to Treatment
Yesterday, in between work emails and changing diapers, I received a text message that stopped me dead in my tracks: “I’m being admitted Thursday at 10:30…relieved but scared.” An admission date and time was finally bestowed upon a sweet young woman I’ve been helping. Reading her text brought back those same emotions I felt on when I […]
Why a New Year Does Not Mean a New You
So there I was in 2010, feeling like a loser who had failed at life. My hands held knitting needles instead of a champagne glass (FYI: learning to knit is like a rite of passage in treatment). Instead of partying with friends, someone was supervising my trips to the bathroom. Rather than kissing my husband at midnight, I was going to sleep in a twin bed alone.
Facing Ghosts
Today I earned a new piece of flare to pin on my Mom Vest. The “My Son Projectile Vomited All Over Me” is now proudly sewn on my vest. Awesome. Poor little guy is sick. Thankfully, not with a stomach bug, but with a horrendous cough that led to the previously mentioned situation. I did […]
Why I Hate Group Exercise
You know the scenario: you tell yourself today is the day you are going to try that new yoga, cycling or group fitness class. You pick your outfit and tell yourself you are going. Then your mind starts racing: What if I am the worst one? The fattest? Everyone will stare at me because I am […]