2015: Shitting Rainbows
shitting rainbows It’s my favorite saying. If you’ve ever heard me speak about my journey to recovery and life thereafter then you’ve heard me say it plenty. Unless there were teachers in the room, then I try to clean up my act for school kiddies. So what does it mean? Exactly what you think. My […]
My Birthday Wish to Disappear
12.07.2010 “…happy birthday dear McCall. Happy birthday to you.” As the birthday song ended, I leaned over and blew out the candles teetering atop the chocolate cake. I smiled and made a wish just like a good girl should. But on this particular birthday five years ago, my wish was drastically different than previous years. I […]
Your Fire is Calling. Answer It.
“What do you want to be, McCall? Where is that fire inside telling you to go?” I was 18-years old and just weeks away from starting college. My mom and I were driving to orientation and talking about my future. It was one of those moments and conversations I will forever remember. I wanted nothing […]
Foreboding Joy
Let me set the scene: I currently live somewhere between gratitude and sheer anxiety and terror. My to-do list is light years long and it is completely trumped by my fear over what may or may not happen to my children. I mean, can you blame me? Within a year, my daughter has spent more […]
Lost and Found
Yesterday, I took my daughter to church for the first time to see (or rather to sleep through) her sweet friend’s baptism. At the party afterwards I found myself choking back tears as I watched family friends parading Marjorie around. We were out of the house and doing something normal. I was finally able to […]
Smashing the Pregnancy Scale
Tap…Tap…Tap…Tap… The weight kept jolting further and further to the right. Higher and higher. My anxiety raised in parallel unison with the climb of the scale’s number. (Oh, you thought I was immune from scales because I smash them for a living? Not so much.) The nurse silently wrote down a number and I followed […]
Brave Girl Walking
Every Tuesday at 10:45am you can find me sitting quietly in the therapy waiting room. There is an unspoken glance and head nod as the patient before you exits the door. Usually, it is the same person that comes out of the door every week at 11:00am, but yesterday it was someone I had […]
Moving Hope
This was it. Time to say goodbye. My footsteps quietly echoed through our empty house as I said my final farewell to our first home. Nearly six years ago, we made this house our home. Its walls witnessed the magnitude of our family’s journey and kept us safe as we weathered the roughest storms of […]
Tuesdays with Mary
For the past four years, I have been in a committed, long-term relationship with someone other than my husband. Her name is Mary. She is my therapist. I stumbled onto her couch in July of 2009. While I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall in our first session, I […]
We are Carolina House
My heart is so heavy. You read about it in books and listen to therapists tell you that eating disorders kill, but you don’t believe it. You never think it will happen to someone you know and you definitely never think it will take your life. But is does and it can. My heart sinks […]