Two Years Gone: Lessons in Grief & Guilt
January 14, 2018, the day my best friend died. This second year in grief marked a big change for me. The waves weren’t as violent and life wasn’t as hard. Life went on and so did I. It goes without saying, she is on my mind and in my heart every minute. I still spend […]
One Year Gone: Lessons in Grief
My eyes opened well before the sun rose, knowing what today was. My heart ached that same ache I have been experiencing for the last 365 days. A distinct void that will never be filled. I lie in bed and suddenly felt the need to see the sunrise. I threw on my clothes and drove […]
How I Finally Lost the Holiday Weight
I have been feeling heavier than ever these past few weeks. My anxiety high and emotional fuse short. I knew this time of year would be hard – my first holiday in grief, but I had no idea just how much the heaviness would weigh me down. My grief has manifested in an array of […]
Happy [Grieving] Birthday to Me
Maybe it is because her house is empty or maybe because it is Christmas, maybe it is because President George H. W. Bush’s funeral is all over the news or maybe it is because my birthday is tomorrow or maybe because it is another day that ends in ‘Y’… Lately, I have been missing her […]
When Grief, Cancer and Life Collide
I knew today was going to be tough – returning to GaGa’s house for the first time. Little did I know today would put me to the ultimate grief and trauma test. Mom, Marjorie and I drove to GaGa’s home. I felt good, but nervous. I entered her home through her back door and immediately […]
Where I Finally Found Peace In My Best Friend’s Death
I’ve always been curious about cemeteries. I think it’s human nature. They always seemed so peaceful to me, but I was so afraid of them, always shuddering at their perfect mix of death, serenity and beauty. When I was in grade school and middle school, I spent every weekend at GaGa’s house. Literally, every weekend. […]
Scheduling Grief
“Do you think you could carve out 20-minutes a day to grieve?” I looked up at my therapist after her suggestion and quickly replied, “Nope. I’ll pass, thanks though.” It has become apparent that I have gone from intense grief to completely driving the denial bus. I haven’t shed a tear or grieved in weeks […]
Because Not Even Jesus Could Do It All
This working mom thing has been kicking my ass lately. I do my best to manage my foundation, mentoring folks in recovery, while also taking care ofmy family, pets (because that struggle is real) and the house. On the days that end in ‘y’, I feel pulled in a thousand directions, never completing one task […]
Why I Am Quitting Normal Life
For years I’ve been waiting for a break – a time in my life where everything was good and normal. Through the work of EMDR and the loss of my best friend, I realize life will never be normal because there is no normal – at least the ‘normal’ I always pictured in my head. […]
The Day I Didn’t Want to SMASH
On Monday, for the first time since starting Southern Smash five years ago, I woke up and didn’t want to go to the Southern Smash event. I wanted to stay curled in bed with the covers over my head. I wanted to sink into a hole and never come out. But I got up and […]