Finding a New Normal

Today I kissed my baby girl goodbye through her plexiglass incubator. My heart shattered. Jordan reminded me that I would be right back the next day, but that did little to ease the massive ache in my heart. I was leaving the hospital. She was not. And that was not fair. Every where I turned there seemed to be another reminder. As I walked down with my nurse, Amy, to the car, a newborn photographer rolled passed us. As I climbed into the car, there was no car seat to fill and no new baby to hover over in the back.

While I will still be with Marjorie every day, it’s not the same. I want to scoop her up and tickle her nose with my nose. I want her to fall asleep on my chest after a 3am feeding.  I can stomp my feet and cry my eyes out, but nothing will change. However, I will still stomp my feet and let myself be angry because I have every right to be. I will not live in the anger. I will move past. But in this moment and on this day, my heart is shattered and being pulled in so many directions.

Tomorrow, I shall move on, move forward and find our new normal. I will be in Jacksonville every day with my baby girl until she is healthy to come home. With each passing day, I will find the new balance of how to manage my time between Manning and Marjorie. I will find the new normal one day at a time, one visit at a time and one night time snuggle with Manning at a time.

I cried myself to sleep on the car ride home and as we made our way onto the island my heart sank as I realized we were home and Marjorie was not. There would be no stork in the yard or pink wreath on the door. But I should have known better. As Jordan pulled onto our street, I spotted them. Floating high above our mailbox was six pink and white balloons. Leave it to my momma to know just what my heart needed.

Manning flung the door open and greeted me with a massive hug. Then Lilly and Lola came running with tails wagging and puppy kisses. After the longest two weeks of my life, I was home. Tonight all I can do is let go and place my trust in my faith, knowing that no matter how weak I may feel God will give me the strength to continue on for both of my babies. We will get through this. We will bring our baby home. In this time of uncertainty, that is the one thing I know to be true. We are now a family of four and will all be together soon.

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