Jordan and I have been talking a lot lately about what we want to do Friday. How do we mark and, moreover, celebrate Marjorie’s one year diagnosis? We’ve tossed out ideas from having friends over to just going about our day.
How does one mark what was once the worst day of his or her life? Before her cancer diagnosis, the worst day of my life was her birth date. And before that, it was the date I ruptured at 25-weeks pregnant. And even before that, it was the day I entered treatment. These are all days I now mark with celebration now, especially my treatment date. December 14 marks my recovery date, a day that was once filled with sorrow is nowpacked with celebration.
If there is one thing I have learned through life’s trials, it is that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t make them disappear, but it does make them hurt a little less. You begin to find gratitude and discover a reason and a greater purpose for the pain. There is always some ache as the anniversary comes, but over time, the good days out number the bad. In the cancer world, I am not there yet. This is our first anniversary…and it hurts.
Yes, Marjorie no longer has active cancer cells in her body (Praise God!). But we just received this news and with that I feel like I am finally able to release some of the grief and fear I have been hanging on to throughout this past year. Not having a black or white ‘All Clear’ left way for lots of anxiety and operating in survival mode.
I was recently asked by someone very close to me, “Tell me! What did you feel in that moment? The moment when the doctor said she was cancer free?” I paused. I suddenly realized didn’t have a poetic answer because I am still trying to answer it myself.
What did I feel? How am I supposed to feel?
Of course, I felt all of those Hallmark Channel feelings: joy, relief, gratitude. But those really tough, not so pretty feelings have resurfaced. Fear, anger, confusion and grief. I spent most of Monday and Tuesday sorting through these messy emotions, which also means lots of messy sobbing.
Friday marks the official day of her diagnosis, but today was the day I brought her to our pediatrician praying it was just constipation. It was the day that ended with an ambulance ride and gurney trip into Wolfson’s Hospital…on the oncology floor. I vividly remember feeling like I was in a dream nightmare.
I sat straight up on the stiff cot all night, refusing sleep. I didn’t want to wake up. I did not want to re-remember the nightmare I was currently existing in. So instead I stood guard over my baby girl, listening to monitors beep and watching her belly grow by the minute.
So how do we celebrate tomorrow? I still have no idea. There isn’t a perfect way to mark such a day in terms of a party or activity, but there is ONE thing that is tugging relentlessly at my heart: PAY. IT. FORWARD.
Pay kindness, love, prayers and compassion forward. Pay it forward for Marjorie.
We have felt more love, more prayers and more generosity this year than any other person on the planet. We are not wealthy and yet, we are the richest people I know. I want to take that wealth and disperse it in honor of my Marjorie AND my Manning, Marjorie’s unsung hero.
So tomorrow, on Marjorie’s Day, let’s give kindness. It doesn’t mean money, it means compassion and love. Wear Marjorie’s shirt or wear pink and send love out into our incredible universe.
I could throw the most elaborate party on the planet (everyone knows I love a good party), but all I really want to do is snuggle my babies and let them know how loved they are. All I want is for you to know how loved you are and how thankful we are for your prayers and light. All I want is for you to go forth and give that love forward. Because isn’t that what life is about? Giving…and sometimes in those difficult (and beautiful) moments it is about receiving. We have felt the gift of receiving and now it is our turn to give it back. It is our turn to give it FORWARD.
Help us make Friday, May 27, Marjorie’s Day…a day of love, life and laughter.
May 27, always & forever, let’s pay it forward…for Marjorie
The story behind the camera…
A few weeks ago I got a call from a sweet island friend. She said her best friend was in town and wanted to give the gift of a photography session. Little did Amy know, her act of kindness in sharing her incredible talent would be a photo shoot marking Marjorie’s cancer free diagnosis.
I can’t think of a more perfect time to share the extraordinary pictures than now…one year later. One year from the worst the day of our lives. One year later, we are releasing balloons to the heavens, thanking the countless angels who have watched over our precious girl. One year. One incredibly beautiful and difficult year. Thank you Amy, for the giving us the most precious gift.
For more information on Amy…check out http://www.imagesofgracephoto.com/
