**Disclaimer: This blog contains foul three letter language that may not be suitable for all readers. Parental discretion advised.**
I woke this morning feeling F-A-T. FAT.
Insert therapist voice: “Fat is not a feeling, McCall.”
Today, I was positive the therapy gods were WRONG. Fat was definitely a feeling. I needed for it to be a feeling today. I just wanted to listen to my eating disorder voice so I could pick my body apart and start plotting a Monday plan of attack to get ‘back in shape’ – i.e. restriction and workout regime.
So why the FAT? Today’s Fat Feelings were born from my usual red flags: I am worn down both physically and mentally from work and my little Hurricane. Plus, my sister is in town for pre-wedding planning. If you are from Louisiana, or if you’ve ever visited our beautiful bayou state, then you know when someone comes in town it is a food and drinking FEST! It is simply what we Cajuns do best and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am just thankful recovery has taught me a little moderation during these crazy times, but moreover how to know when I need a little extra ‘me time’. And today was one of those wake up calls. The F* bombs were flying and I had to stop and ask myself why.
It’s ironic how so many people used to think I was the girl with it ‘all together’ and now with the Southern Smash foundation, this blog and even speaking engagements, I worry people still think I have it together. I fear people think I’m ‘cured’ from my eating disorder, but that is not the case…that will never be the case. Eating Disorder recovery is about MANAGING. Life is about managing. I will never have it all together. No one has it all together. We all have our ups and downs and I am certainly going to still have low periods. And today was simply one of those blah days.
I think the Fat Feeling is something so many of us can relate to. We blame and beat up our bodies rather than looking at what is really going on. Are we tired? Stressed? Sad? etc… As much as I hate to admit it, those therapists are right – FAT is NOT a feeling. I woke up feeling fat, but I go to bed tonight knowing I need an extra bit of sleep, better nourishment and some quiet time. My body did not blow up overnight (nor is it blown up – it is just a cruel trick that inner critic plays on me) and plotting a plan of attack to shrink it overnight is not the answer either. Beating up my body will not make me feel better. Honoring my body and accepting that I need a little extra attention is just what the doctor, nutritionist and therapist ordered and that is just what I intend to do.
The work of recovery never stops. It challenges me to second guess that inner-critic, break the mold and go out of my comfort zone…and I am so grateful for that.
So maybe next time you ‘feel’ fat you can stop and ask why? What’s really going on? What do you really need? Because, believe it or not, fat is really not a feeling. It is easy to toss those F*bombs around, but next time challenge yourself to diffuse the bomb and figure out what you really need.