Letter to ED…

I’ve been digging through some old journals and emails lately and came across the very first letter I wrote to ED back in February 2010.  Now you have to remember, my struggles stretch back over fifteen plus years, but I did not seek treatment until July 2009, therefore, my first letter only came two years ago.  This therapeutic assignment opened my eyes to how writing can set you free.  For the first time ever I could be brutally honest and just lay it all out there…and this is my first written encounter with my disorder…

2.2010
To my eating disorder…
I can’t remember the exact moment when our relationship began, but I will never forget this moment when it ends. You entered my life many years ago, spellbinding me with empty promises of beauty and happiness. The more I became wrapped up in you, the further I pushed away the people and things that mattered most in my life. My life has been filled with family and friends that love and care for me, that I know, but you never let me feel their love with my heart and soul.  You took away the time in my life when I should have been discovering who I was, learning how to love and learning how to be loved. Instead I became frozen in time, lost in your world of isolation and self hate…killing myself to find peace in you. You promised me strength, but made me weak. You promised me companionship, but made me lonely.  You promised me confidence, but made me uncertain. You promised me beauty, but gave me twisted imperfection. You promised me love, but gave me self hate. You tore me down piece by piece until I was left with nothing. Because of you my happiness and well being was dictated by a number on a scale instead of true joy in my heart. You taught me how to manipulate, lie and conceal dark secrets…you were my dark secret. All of my energy and time was focused on you and concealing you from the outside world. I was your slave.

You stole some of the best years of my life…but I let you take them because I was weak. But now I am becoming stronger. You will always be a part of me, but you will no longer be all of me…you will not define me. It is time I pick up the pieces and begin the journey of self discovery and learn to love myself again. You made me believe I
was never worthy enough to be loved or cared for, but today I am embracing the love, care and support of those that have been by my side all along. I know I will find the courage and determination to overcome you because I have the unconditional love of my husband, the endless care and compassion of my parents and sister, the unwavering strength and support of a best friend, and the self healing I’ve found on an unsuspecting stranger’s couch. Our journey together is over. I no longer need you because for the first time in my life, I know in my heart and feel with my soul that I am loved and I am strong.