It’s been quite some time since I’ve visited my own blog, much less posted anything. However, I think of it often and have a list of things and topics I want to write about, but none of them lived up to my notion of the ‘perfect post’. Therefore, I have avoided blogging like the plague…because surely whatever I posted would be trivial and meaningless. Like most things in my life, I had placed this little blog on some crazy pedestal and avoided it because I feared whatever I wrote about would not be just right…it wouldn’t be perfect. Then it struck me today…this perfectionistic ideal is what has hindered me my whole life and basically fueled my eating disorder.
For most of my life my eating disorder led my inner critic parade, constantly telling me my body and achievements were never good enough. Now that I am in recovery I no longer have those crippling ED urges and behaviors, but I still have that critical voice. It never ceases, always shouting at me that I am not a good mom, wife or just person and that things can always be better. This is obviously where my therapeutic work still lies. Note to self: I am good enough. I have to remind myself that it is okay if the house is not spotless and if I’m still in my pajamas in the afternoon. Being a new mom is hard work and it is exhausting. And being tired just fuels my inner critic, which causes me to just be mentally exhausted. Pregnancy gave me this strange, but wonderful reprieve from my inner critic. If I was tired, I rested. If I was hungry, I ate. If I had energy, I’d go do something I enjoyed. After giving birth and adjusting to life as a new mom, the inner critic came back not only with vengeance…but with new territory: motherhood. It is Mommy Guilt on steroids…Am I playing with him enough? Am I stimulating him too much? Should I be more rigid? Should I loosen up? And it goes on and on…It’s overwhelming and takes my mind on a 24/7 distorted roller coaster.
So what to do? Well, first I am posting this blog. It may not be profound, certainly not perfect, but it’s me. I started this thing so I could write and that’s what I intend to do. I’ve gotten lots of feedback from readers that understand and empathize…and that always makes me feel better. Second, I need to slow down and go back to taking things a minute at a time. That is what they taught us in treatment…just minute by minute. I need to listen to my mind, body and spirit and try to be easy on myself as I am still transitioning and figuring out this whole mom thing. I just need to reset…I need to hit CTRL+ALT+DELETE and clear out this inner critic that is frankly wearing my ass out.