My heart is in my throat and beating out of control.“Am I really going to do this tomorrow?” “Have I completely lost my mind?”
That inner critic/eating disorder voice is yelling in my head, as the ‘should’s’ whirl around in a tornadic frenzy.“You should run some more. You should not eat. You shouldn’t have had eating steak and ice cream last night. You can’t do this tomorrow. You are gross and huge and have done nothing to prepare.” So what exactly am I doing, you ask? A photo shoot. Naked. WHAT?! I know, my thoughts exactly. (Well, obvious parts will be covered, but STILL! Er.Ma.Gawd)
Part of me is so excited and the other part (the Ed/Perfection voice) is cursing at me for agreeing to such an outlandish idea. The ED voice is screaming that I am not Gisele, that I have curves, that I am not a size PERFECT. I actually dabbled in modeling in my former life, my sick life. I would rigorously ‘prepare’ for all events and jobs. Restrict, run, repeat. That old routine has been knocking at the door, trying to lure me back to obtain Gisele like standards. I am not going to lie, it has been hard. There has been LOTS of self-talk and self-care happening the last few days to combat that voice. I’ve had to put on my game face and go head to head with my eating disorder and old habits.
This has been one of the biggest challenges I have encountered in recovery. And to be perfectly honest, that is just the reason I chose to tackle this hurdle. I wanted to prove to myself, and to every reader and SMASHer out there, that you don’t have to be a size PERFECT to embrace your body and show it off. But embracing your body, especially in this fashion, does not come without some serious ‘Oh Shit’ moments. I have done nothing to ‘prepare,’ which scares and excites me at the same time (just like my bestie, Brene Brown says). But what does ‘prepare’ really mean anyway? Eating lettuce and running too far? Well, that isn’t me. They asked to photograph McCall and that is just who I intend to bring to set. Me, not Gisele.
So until tomorrow, dear SMASHers, I am off to enjoy a night of pizza, wine and Breaking Bad with my honey.