Here is what my former eating disordered life looked like: Monday-Thursday: restrict, calorie rules, weighing in 20-40 times per day, diet pills, low fat, no fat, sugar free, fat free Friday-Saturday: Dinner and going out with friends, events, Mardi Gras balls, football games, excessive drinking and eating Sunday: Close the blinds, self-loath, binge, purge, more self-hate Restrict and REPEAT. I woke up Monday feeling lethargic and foggy. The past month has been busy and I have been going hard – really…
Have you ever wondered what it is like to have an EATING DISORDER? What it is like to live with a horrific mental illness that no one seems to understand, an illness that is often misdiagnosed, swept under the rug or hidden behind plastic smiles? I lived in that prison for fifteen years. Thankfully, I escaped, but millions of others remained trapped. This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week and while the country gathers to smash scales (yay Southern…
Today, I experienced one of those full circle moments in life that takes your breath away. For the past two days, I attended an eating disorder conference and saw many, many friends some of whom I haven’t seen since Marjorie was born. I received numerous hugs, arm squeezes and sympathetic head nods. I loved and appreciated every single one. My Carolina House family was, of course, well represented at the iaedp conference. My former therapist, nutritionist and a few others…
As parents we are all guilty of saying, “Stop growing. You are my baby” or using the hashtag #timeslowdown. And I get it. I am right there with you. I seem to have blinked my eyes and my precious baby boy is turning four. FOUR! I just know that I am going to wake up and it will be his college graduation. Someone pass me a Xanax. But I have to be honest here, I love the fact that he…
February 9, 2011 Up and down. Up and down. One step at a time, then two. I raced up and down the stairs unpacking my bags into my new hotel home. It was my first night on partial. My first night away from the Carolina House. I felt so free. After two months in a residential treatment center, I was finally alone. Or so I thought. Up and down. Up and down. My mind raced with numbers. How many calories…
Today, Jordan and I celebrate nine incredible years of marriage. Nine years ago, if you would have told me that our marriage was going to endure eating disorder treatment, job shifts, multi-state moves, premature birth and cancer, my jaw would have dropped, I would have taken an extra swig of champagne and continued down that aisle to my love. After everything we have been through, the one day that keeps playing over in my head is not our wedding day. It…
Today, as I waited on pins and needles for our oncology doctor to call with results, one memory kept playing over and over in my mind. I was a week or so into treatment at the Carolina House, sitting across from my new therapist, Christy. I was working hard to choke back tears and finally muttered: “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I am so sad.” Christy almost laughingly, quickly replied, “I can give you many reasons as to why you…
When Manning was 20-months old, I sent him to school dressed in a smocked turkey longall for what I thought were fall pictures. They were Christmas pictures. I laughed and hash tagged it up to a #MOMFAIL, which every other mom quickly empathized with. We’ve all been there. I’ve made a million mistakes since my fall picture fail. I forget thank you notes and lunch boxes. I sign up to bring paper plates to the class party and bring them a day after.…
No matter how many activities I packed into today, time seemed to stand still. My heart raced and my mind was dizzy. I have been to yoga, taken kids to a bouncy house park and lunch and the quiet still creeps up on me. It is always there in the back of my head. The clock that is counting down to the inevitable. The injection, the scans, the return to the hospital. The wait. This morning in yoga I was…
Wednesday, May 27, 2015 Our nurse leaned over Marjorie’s hospital crib and placed her stethoscope on Marjorie’s sick and distended belly. My eyes fell to the multiple bright rubber bracelets wrapped around the neck of her stethescope. Words like “Warrior” “Fighter” “Army” followed by a child’s name were imprinted on each band. I knew those bands belonged to cancer kids whose family and friends created these bracelets as a way to show their love and support for their tiny fighter.…