Jordan and I have been talking a lot lately about what we want to do Friday. How do we mark and, moreover, celebrate Marjorie’s one year diagnosis? We’ve tossed out ideas from having friends over to just going about our day. How does one mark what was once the worst day of his or her life? Before her cancer diagnosis, the worst day of my life was her birth date. And before that, it was the date I ruptured at…
The week that forever changed our lives is upon us. Last night, I posted a picture saying, “The week Jordan and I have been dreading is here.” I received many comments to celebrate and rejoice. I realize ‘dread’ is a strong word, but it describes much of what my heart feels. Of course, there is celebration and joy – look how far my girl has come in a year. AND I would not be doing her story or my heart…
“I went to mass twice this week, praying for God to heal one and to take another.” The words of my father-in-law pierced through heart. Gary is a man of quiet faith, but certainly not quiet in nature. His bold personality can light up a room and leave everyone in stitches. He prayed this week for God to heal Marjorie and for God to take his mother. Nearly two months ago Grandmother Esther suffered a debilitating stroke. Since that day, we have…
I have two words: Cancer. Free. Nearly one year ago I began asking for prayers again and then posting the C Word. Our lives were shattered on Wednesday, May 27, 2015. Then today on Tuesday, May 2, 2016, our lives were pulled back together. Back and forth. Up and down. We have ridden this wave of life…and continue to. Today, when we heard that nothing lit up on Marjorie’s scan, we wept…and wept…and wept. The tears of joy, sorrow and…
It happens every time. The wait. The anxiety. The nerves. The quiet understanding between Jordan and me as we wait for our baby girl’s scan results. Will the cancer be gone? Will it have metastasized? Will it be the same? Marjorie’s previous two scans showed stability, meaning the cancer did not spread, but it also did not go away. To say I was left confused and devastated was an understatement. The results always knock the wind out of me no…
I knew this photo was coming and today it popped up. One year. I vividly remember this day. It was the day I looked out at the ocean with my family and thought, “We made it.” We survived nearly three months in the NICU and extreme reclusiveness during flu season. The weather was warm and Marjorie was growing and healthy. This day still feels like yesterday. I recall thinking, “We made it to our new normal. Life is good.” And it was;…
The buttered bagel sat on my car’s console. I stared at it with tears streaming down my face. The tears had nothing to do with the bagel and everything to do with life. My baby girl was heading back to the hospital. I was once again reminded that cancer is part of our world and that I cannot protect my precious child. Our three months of normalcy were up. Scans were upon us. The protocol for Marjorie’s specific cancer diagnosis…
The bad florescent lights flickered in the grey colored dressing room. The Dillard’s dressing room resembled my mental state: depressed, anxious and grey. I squatted onto the cheap carpet with tears streaming down my face. Another dress, another disappointment. fat, gross, huge, ugly…unworthy It was prom. I was in the depths of my eating disorder and hating every inch of my body. The rickety dressing room door stood between my mom and I. She kept bringing dress after dress, each…
December 2010 “McCall, breathe with me. Breathe in 2…3…4…out…2…3…4” I could hear the words being spoken to me, but couldn’t catch my breath. I sobbed and shook uncontrollably, my body curled tightly in a ball on the stiff therapy couch. I was in treatment and having my first panic/anxiety/emotional tidal wave attack. Without my eating disorder to numb out my emotions, they all hit me at once. My emotional tidal wave had been rising for days and on that cold day…
I sit at my desk this morning unable to work. My mind is cluttered with the C-word once again. c a n c e r Last week, a dear island friend and cancer warrior once again heard the c-word fall from her doctor’s lips. Lesions in her brain. At least three weeks of daily radiation treatments. The really horrific part is that she was already undergoing chemo for breast cancer. You can read her EXTRAORDINARY story here: Critical Care Team Gives…